Needles & hooks

Holiday recap and reflections

Here’s what I had been so frantically working on before X-mas

A couple of different examples of this year’s ornaments:

A couple of baby sweaters:

Those are the Ruby pattern from Bee’s Knees Knits. Solid and self-striping sock yarn make washable sweaters with fun stripes. They were easy to make and the pattern was filled with thoughtful details.

The purple one:

Inset of color on the back:

Front pocket, knit into the body, only sewn on the slanted sides:

Close-up:

The blue one:

Hood piping detail:

Back detail:

It’s taken a while for me to post these, because they make me reflect on the last year and where I am. The sweaters are for my nieces, my ex-sister-in-law’s daughters. And I made the same number of ornaments this year, including my ex-SIL and my ex-MIL. And I wonder whether it’s healthy for me. And it makes me think about how I got to where I am now. I haven’t talked about it much here, I haven’t talked about it much anywhere really, just pulled away from things and hid, and it hasn’t been much good for me. Sure, I’ve been in therapy the whole time, but to some extent, that is all internal.

I was married for over 10 years. I spent 13 years of my life with my ex-husband, pretty much all of my adult life. And most of those years were really, really good. The last few were troubled. The external stresses of life started weighing on both of us, and we’d reached a point where we weren’t talking about it, because we hadn’t needed to learn how, so we never did. And we had a meltdown that we had a really hard time recovering from. It triggered a huge depression in me that I’m still trying to dig myself out of, and he was depressed too, and we didn’t see how that was affecting our ability to fix it. Neither of us had the strength to help each other out of it, and we didn’t know how to communicate about it, and that led to a lot of misunderstandings about how we were going to fix it, and so we ended it instead. Sometimes, I really regret that. In fact, I regretted it pretty much immediately, I thought I was coming home from a long work trip where I had been working on making myself more healthy to start anew and go to couples therapy finally, but he was done trying and wasn’t open to reconsider, and he had a new girlfriend waiting. And I didn’t know how to counter that, so I put on the brave face I always put on and tried to cope, to give him what he wanted, and I let him go.

Before anyone suggests the miracle of medication, don’t. When our big meltdown occurred, I started on meds. It helped me cope with the darkest moments, but ultimately, it probably wasn’t the right one. I stopped taking it a few months back, and since then, I’ve noticed that my affect is really different than it was on the meds. On meds, the lows were muted, but so were the highs. I was disconnected from myself and my life and I couldn’t see how to reconnect. He said a number of things along the way that suggested he noticed this, but neither of us made the connection to the meds, and it would have been a touchy subject anyway (and that’s a whole other issue, we started avoiding the touchy subjects, when really, that was the way to fix things, to dive into them and cope with them). Anyway, now that I’m off of them, I’m back to my old self again, and I’ve started mourning the loss of my marriage anew. I feel the pain that I wasn’t able to feel the way I needed to then in order to process where we were and to recover while it still made a difference. And I see all the things that I treasured that I’ve lost; things about him, things about the life we’d made, things about the future we’d dreamed of that we gave up on.

And that’s one of the things I struggled with the whole time. Because being married isn’t just you and him. It’s a much bigger thing you build around yourself, especially when you’ve been together so long. It’s a new life you create, even if you don’t have children. It becomes a huge part of who you are. I was never escaping from an abusive relationship, or something that was really unhealthy. We had lost our way and we were having trouble finding it.

We ended things amicably, and we’re still friendly toward each other, and sometimes that just makes it all worse. Because I can see how we could fix things now. I know what to say, and I know how to say it. I feel like I’m capable of it now. But it’s not my place to do so anymore. And all those things that hurt so much then, that made me wonder if all along we’d just been fooling ourselves about whether we were good together, those are gone. I remember the good stuff, I long for it. And when I think about the bad stuff, I just see things we could have fixed.

I miss him a lot. I find myself looking for him in ways I always have and he’s not there. The things I used to rely on him for support. The things I used to do for him. The holidays did this in a huge way. The traditions we had together that I missed this year (making the ornament each year was something I started early in our marriage, as a way to join our families together, because I made one for each of our mothers). The ways we relied on each other when we went home for the holidays, we were always a sort of shield for each other with our own families. Not that either of our families are terrible, but when you go home, you always find yourself in an old dynamic, and your spouse relates to them differently, softening it and supporting you all at the same time.

There isn’t a big ball of anger and hate between us, I’m just left with pain and longing. Things I wish I’d said. I guess this is sort of where a widow finds herself. But I’m not a widow. A widow doesn’t have to wonder if interacting with her late husband’s family is healthy. A widow isn’t waiting for him to get his things out of my storage space. A widow can’t drive over to his house and knock on his door. Most widows aren’t left thinking that if only they’d said or done something differently, they could have prevented the loss. There were so many things I wish I’d done or said differently in the last 2 years. In the last 5. Over the course of our whole marriage. I know that each little one probably didn’t matter that much. I can’t say there’s one definitive point where I could have made a big difference. I just wish I’d really had the chance to try.

I was always the optimist in our relationship, and I lost my optimism with the pain and later with the meds. And now that I’m more myself again, the optimism doesn’t matter. Because I can’t fix it anymore. He told me that he’s much happier now that he’s on his own. Sure, not being in the fog of pain and depression and distance would help that no matter what. But he’s also not the type to change his mind. He’s always been very stubborn. I understand that he’s getting settled in his new life and doesn’t want to take the risk.

I’m not sure which old saying applies here. “Hindsight is 20/20″. “The grass is always greener”. In some ways, I’m sure it felt like forever that we were trying to cope. But at the same time, it seems like I missed the last two years. I know they were painful, but I can barely remember them going by. They were a whirl. Just that in almost no time at all, I lost some of the things that were most important to me.

Sometimes it’s like I’ve woken up from a long sleep to the horror of what has happened. All my impulses are where they were two years ago, but they don’t apply to reality any longer.

Anyway, sorry this got so long and unknittingly, but at least I got it out of my head.

Comments: 9 — Posted under: Knitting, Almost Random

All about the sock yarn

I’ve been making progress on the sleeves for my Ruby hoodie. Two at once, so even though I’ve been knitting forever, not much to see:

I’ve got about 2.5 inches on each sleeve, aiming for 10.5 inches before shaping the sleeve cap. I’m increasing every 4th row and the width is getting to the point where I’m going through about one color per row. I should get some interesting pooling soon instead of the jacquard pattern.

In other news, if you’re waiting on one of my Hanne spreadsheets, I’m in the middle of processing those requests. I’m caught up with Mermaid (so please re-send your request if you haven’t heard from me). I going to catch up with LaStrada next. And I have some issues to resolve with Ballerina, so that will be next week.

And here’s today’s new Breast Cancer 3-Day Raffle prize(s)…

Prizes #6, #7, #8, #9, #10, #11, and #12 - Lang BeBe Superwash wool sock yarn. Each prize is two 50g balls in a single colorway, enough to make a pair of socks. Each ball comes in a neat little square bag, all ready to center-pull! I was enchanted when I saw these and had to get every color Webs had for prizes:

For those of you stashbusters on yarn diets, remember: you’re not buying yarn, you’re donating to a good cause; if yarn comes to you from it, it was karma. Donate now!

Comments: 0 — Posted under: Knitting, 3-Day Walk

Proof of knitting

That’s the front and most of the back of the Ruby kangaroo hoodie from Bees Knees Knits for my niece. I finished the back on my flight this morning and did the 3-needle bind-off for the shoulder seams. I should be able to get the sleeves going for my next flight. The yarn is Lang Jawoll because they do a really good job of making coordinating solid colors for their jacquards. The sleeves and hood will be in the jacquard.

Also today, I show you the last few things I bought at ThreadBear last time I was in Michigan.

This is the Colinette kit for the wrap that my Mom lusted after. I can’t remember the name of the pattern right now, nor the colorway. But lots of purples and reds and greens.

And this is a ball of 3 different Jitterbug solids that were twined together fetchingly on the shelf. Cream, olive, and purple (of course). I remember a conversation about striped socks knitting all 3 at the same time, like a group shawl. And there was a name I was supposed to e-mail about for some hints on getting it going. And I wrote it down. And that was back when I still owned a house, so who knows where that paper got to. But, you know me, I figured out the basics in my head and I’ll be making a go of it. I think it’s the purple that makes me do impulsive things like buy sock yarn I don’t need for a pattern that is a whisp of imagination.

Okay, enough with purple, tomorrow I’m going to announce my fundraising raffle, so start thinking pink!

Comments: 1 — Posted under: Knitting

The Grandma Shawl

Okay, once upon a time, about a year ago, I went home to visit my family because my grandfather was in the hospital. One of the things I decided to do during the trip was design and knit a shawl for my grandmother. I played around with some designs involving cabling and dropped stitches. Reviews here were promising. And so I bought a pile of Koigu cast on a bazillion stitches and went home.

I knit and knit and knit. It seemed to go forever and consumed more Koigu than any project rightfully deserves. Seriously, I had to go buy more. And when that looked like it wouldn’t be sufficient, I bought even more. I honestly have no clue exactly how much Koigu I used. More than 10 skeins and maybe less than 20. Maybe.

But I was decreasing on all the right-side rows, and I was dropping stitches, and the end started to appear. And finally, I cast off the last stitch. And then life when into freak-out mode. I did a lot of work travel, and the divorce loomed, and then we had to put the house on the market, so the shawl got hidden away. Until mid-July.

After we accepted an offer on the house, I went back to my storage space to bring home the things I’d just stashed there for lack of a better plan to decide what to do with them for real. And some of them were languishing knitting projects. Including Grandma’s shawl. I also realized that I was heading home for my cousin’s wedding and that Grandma would be there, so I needed to finish the darned thing!

First, I blocked the biggest thing I’ve ever blocked.

I did a quickie job of it and didn’t use my blocking wires. I figured the points on the top would be hidden by a crochet border, and the points on the bottom edges would just be decorative. Then I had to find the remaining yarn I had to do the crochet and the fringe. But where the hell was my yarn?! I looked everywhere. In all the yarn bins I had at the house. In all the yarn bins I had in storage. I found a few scraps, but I knew I had at least one full skein left. Where the hell was it?! I finally found it in a bin I had at the house as I was loading it into storage and checking them all one last time. Of course, it was sitting right on top, sticking it’s tongue out and making fun of me.

At my parents house, I did the crochet border and started cutting up fringe. I worked on it during our long car trip north. I worked on it in the hotel room with my sister and her boyfriend looking on. And I finally finished it:

When I arrived home in Michigan, I took a run over to Target to get some tissue paper and a gift bag. So when we went over to my Aunt and Uncle’s house that day, I brought the gift and presented it to a very surprised Grandma. Who loved it and put it away so that it wouldn’t get dirty. But brought it out to show every person that stopped by the house.

Here she is modeling it:

And the back view to show you how huge it is:

So, once upon a time, I promised people that I would write up the pattern and distribute it. But Grandma’s wishes prevail. She’s tickled about having a unique and exclusive design. And so I won’t be writing it up. But I’ll give you some hints. It’s an adaption of Clapotis. I cast on all the stitches at the beginning. I did 4×4 cables that mirrored across the center. I decreased on each edge and at the center on right side rows, and I worked it out so that the center where the cables merged was interesting and smooth. And I used about 2 miles of Koigu. Seriously.

Comments: 10 — Posted under: Knitting

Once again, I knit

Okay, the last month since I posted has been crazy hectic. After I got back from my family reunion, I started packing up my house in earnest to move out. Then I was in Los Angeles for work for two weeks, sequestered in a freezing room with no internet or phone access. I would take “warmth breaks” out to my greenhouse-effect car in the parking lot to elevate my core temperature and reconnect with the world on my iPhone. But I was able to read Harry Potter in my hotel room. Then I got back and had one week to be out of the house. Panic ensued. But last Friday, at 10:30am, the house was cleared out. Then there was a shower, the closing, and a weekend of sloth. And now I’m divorced and homeless.

I’m living at a friend’s house for now (he lives with his fiancee, two doors away). It’s under reconstruction, so it’s not ideal, but it’s sort of familiar - my mom started remodeling the house I grew up in when I was five. That was 30 years ago, it’s still not done. My cat, Mough, is staying with another friend (because construction zones aren’t the safest place for a cat), until my Ex gets keys to his new apartment in another week. My longer term plans are up in the air. But I’m heading back to Los Angeles and Seclusion for another 3 weeks starting on Monday. So they can stay up in the air for a while longer.

But, now that some of the BIG THINGS are off my plate, I can get back to the fun things. For all the flying I’m doing in the near term, I’m working on some hoodies for my nieces. I don’t have photos yet, but they will be super cute. And miles of small-gauge stockinette is a perfect flying activity. I do have some photos of some recent FOs I’ve mentioned.

This is Sheldon from Knitty.

I made him for my niece, Grace, who just had her 3rd birthday. He was a favorite who achieved instant bedtime buddy status. I spoke to my SIL on the phone a few days after she received it and I mentioned that the shell was removable. So later, she said “Hey Grace, look!” and pulled Sheldon out of his shell. Grace shrieked “he’s naked!” and jumped up and grabbed a hat and stuck him in it. No, Sheldon was not anatomically correct, but Grace was very concerned for his modesty.

This is my sister, Lisa, modeling the Geisha Wrap I made for her:

The pattern came with a project kit of Colinette from ThreadBear when I visited last February. I assembled the wrong edges, but Lisa adores it, so that way it stays. This is the wrap my mother was hideously jealous of, causing me to have to return to ThreadBear (oh, the horrors), and buy another kit for her. But that one stays in hibernation until the hoodies are done.

Anyway, it’s good to be back.

Comments: 5 — Posted under: Knitting, Almost Random

High-Speed Life

Okay, so I’ve been in a funk and haven’t been posting or doing much. I’ve also not been reading my knitting e-mail, so I’m way behind on Hanne spreadsheet responses (I apologize). But life is kicking into high gear, so I’m trying to get back into things. So this post will be sort of kitchen sink-ish.

First up, an FO! I successfully finished the Princess Cover-up. My version is longer than the pattern and wider as well. Also, after pinning it together and trying it on my friend, Kim, we decided that the neckline should curve a little more than it does, so I ripped it out some and did some reshaping.

Here’s some high-speed blocking of it:

I say “high-speed” because I blocked the fronts and backs on top of each other. That way I could make sure that everything lined up well and also, my blocking board is only so big. I used blocking wires and pinned it out. And then I set it in the sun to dry - no need to worry about fading!

And here it is all finished. Currently, it’s on a beach in St. Martin.

Communication News
Another way life is high-speed is that I splurged and bought an iPhone when I was out shopping on Independence Day. I’ve always been an Apple fan, but I really had a lot of good reasons why I wasn’t planning on getting one right away. But when I was shopping for a wedding present, I decided to just look. And that was my undoing. And after wandering in and out of the Apple Store for about 2 hours asking questions, someone returned an 8GB model, so it was fate that I buy it.

This thing is more fantastic than I can possibly say. You have to wrap your head around something entirely new. It’s not merely an overpriced phone. It’s not merely an overpriced, low-storage, wide-screen iPod. It’s not merely a Palm Pilot wannabe. It takes all of those things and wraps them together in a new way and anticipates just about your every need in a beautiful package. And because it’s Apple, it just works and just makes sense. Nothing like driving out to run some errands and remember that you forgot to look something up before you left, and then realizing that you can look it up at the store on your phone. Or to have your realtor e-mail you a PDF of the offer on your house while you’re driving home, pull over to read it (seriously, read it), and then call your nearly ex-husband to discuss it.

Which brings us to…

Life News
We accepted an offer on our house on Friday night. It’s less than we wanted, less than we paid, but we’ll get out of it without owing anything, and it will be done. Inspection is Monday and then I can stop living in a museum. If all goes well, closing is Aug 17, which means I have a lot of stuff to figure out by then!

So one of my chores is to actually finish all the little things hanging around the house. You should see more posts. And another Breast Cancer Stash Sale soon. And if I can manage it, a Breast Cancer Donation Raffle too.

Mail Call
A month or so ago, I got an e-mail about the new StringDirect Club from String in NYC. Somehow, I interpreted what I read to mean that it would be more than simply a pattern-a-month club, that I’d actually get a small sample of the featured yarn. I know that String mostly carries high-end yarns, so I wasn’t expecting a full skein, but a few yards to make a tiny swatch and see how the yarn felt was what I was expecting. And with this expectation, I signed up right away. And no samples are included. I can’t find my original e-mail about it, so I don’t know what I was smoking when I signed up, but now I’m annoyed. I’m thinking about cancelling even if I don’t get a refund, just because I don’t really want more patterns I’m never going to use. I did get an autographed copy of their Luxury Knitting book. But, as a Club idea, meh.

In happier mail, I also got a surprise card from ThreadBear with a gift certificate in it! I’m not sure what I did to deserve such a thing, but it did make me smile at a time when smiles are precious, so thank you very much Matt and Rob! And I just booked a plane ticket back to Michigan to spend it! Okay, no, I’m actually going to a cousin’s wedding. But I think I can make a side trip.

Comments: 6 — Posted under: Knitting, Almost Random

Knits are best modeled…

This is what became of the baby surplice jacket and hat:

His mom posted more photos of young Julian modeling his new duds. Sadly, the sock bind-off was too tight, after all my sock fussing. Fortunately, Alex can fix them. And the hat, an improvised design that I’ve made before, was a big hit. It was last time too. I guess I should write up some directions for it. It’s pretty easy, but I designed it so that there’s almost no sewing to finish it. It’s really good to use up the last bit of yarn you got for a baby sweater project. Or that one ball of hand-dyed that you just couldn’t put down.

Comments: 5 — Posted under: Knitting

Planes, trains…

The latest entry in the “places I’ve knit” series…

That’s the latest in the Princess Cover-up. Here’s a better view:

Oops, that’s obscured by guest kitties. They quickly determined that the knitting was neither threatening nor interesting. Let’s try again:

Anyway, that’s about 3 and a half pattern repeats. According to my gauge swatch, I need a full 6 before I start the armholes. I’m flying home from San Francisco tomorrow, so I should have plenty of time to do that on the plane.

Comments: 1 — Posted under: Knitting

2-sock Addendum

Just wanted to clarify something about the baby socks I wrote about in the last post. 2 socks at a time from the same ball of yarn is fine. I usually knit my socks this way if I’m not trying for twins in a self-striper. You make a center-pull ball from the yarn and knit one sock from the center and one sock from the outside of the ball. Easy. Sometimes it gets a little twisted around itself, and you just untwist as necessary.

The trouble I had was trying to knit two socks at a time from 2 balls at a time. I was using both balls the same way - knitting one sock from the center of each, and one from the outside. And what with the fact that I was knitting one yarn every round and one yarn every other round and the twisting and the solid color ball was disintegrating, well, it was a scaring mess very quickly.

That’s two different balls (all though the solid burgundy has completely lost structural integrity (seriously, it’s burgundy, not brown)):

Now I’ve been thinking about the topology of the thing (and if two socks from one ball makes your head spin, don’t think about this), and I think it should be possible with a little care and a little more planning. But I was going for quick and dirty, and it just didn’t seem to be working. Of course, I spent about an hour with the separating and untangling and rewinding, so with my maybe 10 rounds that I’d knit, I’d have probably been ahead starting over. But they’re done now. And I’m putting it out of my head.

Comments: 0 — Posted under: Knitting

The Kitchen Sink Post

I got lots to say, so this post will be all over the place. Hold on to your needles, it could be a bumpy ride.

Baby Socks!

First up, a FO for you. Remember this:

When I went to Webs on Glove Tour ‘07, I brought the tiny bit of yarn I’d attempted to make socks with before and found a nice ball of Rowan Cashsoft DK to go with it to make full sized socks. So again, I started my two-at-a-time-toe-up socks, deciding that I should just use little fair isle accents of the multi-color yarn. I started each sock from opposite ends of each ball. And pretty soon, I had this:

And I learned that you really should only do that with one ball at a time, because you just can’t untangle. So I wound out huge amounts of the solid color and cut the yarn and went through heroic efforts to untangle each separate ball and rewind. There are no pictures of this process, because my hands were busy with the yarn, and my cat is too lazy to be bothered with the camera.

Finally, I ended up with these:

They’re slightly fraternal, and you can see how well I managed to match the dark burgundy shade of the multi-color. Because there are huge sections of “solid” on each sock. Fair isle with identical shades is pretty forgiving, just not all that satisfying. In the future, I would just cut the yarn and start up at a new color, but I didn’t want to rip these out yet again. How many times can you rip out baby socks, seriously?! And in the end, I only used about 1 color repeat on each sock, so I still have plenty of that micro ball left. So it’s going to the mom along with the left over Cashsoft (now in 3 mini balls as well) and she can decide what to do with it.

Documented Cotton Allergy?

That out of the way, I’ve moved on with the Princess Coverup that I showed you this swatch for:

Working from my measured gauge and the measurements of the recipient, I added a pattern repeat to all the pieces to make it a little wider. Now I’m fearing that my gauge swatch lied and that it’s going to swim on her. Not necessarily what you want for a swim-coverup. I’m doing all 3 pieces at once so they will all be the same length and here’s what I have (about one full pattern-repeat):

Knitting away on it today, my nose started itching. Sort of the way it does when I handle bunnies. Uh-oh. It’s made with Debbie Bliss Pure Cotton, and I’ve never had issues with cotton before. Then I looked at my pants:

Clearly, this yarn is shedding just like a bunny. Fortunately, this project has to be quick. Unfortunately, I have two cross-country flights coming up, also known as enforced knitting time, so we’ll see what happens to my nose in the Mile High Knitter’s Club.

Exercise in Restraint

Thursday was the beginning of the summer clearance sale at my LYS. In the past, I have been very, very bad at this sale. Shopping it takes dedication. They sell all their close-outs in sealed bags, usually of a single color, and either you buy the bag, or you don’t. No buying single balls. In some ways that’s frustrating, because I might want to buy a few balls in a variety of colors. However, sometimes you just find yourself buying way too much of everything because “wow, a whole bag of Aurora 8 in my favorite color?! And in my other favorite color?! Oh look, I love that color too!” (And the sales staff remembers you doing it for years, hi Pat!).

Anyway, what with planning to move and with the recent excursion to Webs, I didn’t go on the first day. Although I pass the store on my way to work and that morning I passed by right as it was opening. I really had to think twice not to stop. I went back on the way home on Friday and ended up with only one thing I couldn’t put down:

That’s 9 balls of Andes in a blue jeans/melon colorway. No, I have no clue what it will be. But that’s never been an obstacle in the past.

Glove Infamy

I also showed off my Moo cards when I was at the store, and, well, outed myself as the creator of The Glove. Turns out not only had the staff heard of it, but so had the other customer who was checking out when I was! And the suggestions keep pouring in on where I should show it off…Stitches, Rhinebeck, Manchester. If only I could send it off on a trunk show, but really, you need the chair to fully appreciate it, and that just doesn’t ship well. Maybe I could send it off on a good-will tour — trusting on the large vehicles of knitters everywhere to cart it from one store they shop at to another, sort of a perverse chain-letter (or Geocache Travel Bug) until I meet up with it again at some distant store in the future. But anyway, few yarn stores I’ve seen have room to display it anyway. It’s just too huge.

A couple of Glove sightings:
sparklej
The Harlot

Okay, with that, I’m going back to knit and ponder cotton and bunnies. Amazon.com and Tivo have a new thing that lets me “rent” movies from Amazon and download them to my Tivo. This weekend, a bunch of movies starring Oceans 13 stars were 99 cents. The Good Shepherd is up next.

Comments: 4 — Posted under: Knitting, Almost Random, Retail Therapy